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PARODY - ANCIENT ALIEN 1-ON-1 ABOUT SOME ARCANE POWERS

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First of all, I want to say I done nothing wrong and none of this is my mistake. So if we constituted and cemented that fact, we can move on with the rest.

“Sure. Otherwise you will start abducting the innocent people. Sorry. I meant to say … “borrow them”.

Ahem… So..

“Before you start your monologue… Because, I will not get the chance to talk after you start milling, can you please explain to me what I am doing up here, gazillion miles above the surface of the Earth, besides talking to you…”

It will not be a monologue, you can stop me any time to ask anything, and this is not the Earth…

“So what is this, the Mars? You brought me above… Mars?”

Didn’t you want to see it, ei? I thought it would be appropriate …

“I don’t see anything, it is dark, I only can spot a curvature… A curvature. What happened to the flat earth? Flew outta window…?”

Can’t I write fairy tales? Are you going to stuff that into my face right now?

“So you abducted my unprotected consciousness, how heroic, dragged me here to enjoy some imaginary view and to discuss what?”

I thought you gave a signal, you were not completely unaware of this possibility, this was in check to happen.

“Please be brief, I have to get up in a few minutes…”

A few minutes in this space can drag for weeks… Just so you know it.

“Fine. That still doesn’t explain why I am here and what are you ranting about…”

I will also make a full transcript of this conversation, so that you get all the info neatly set in a timeline…

“Because I am inferior to you and too stupid to recon this conversation…”

No, because personally you should have some sort of a proof that this really happened.

“This really, really is not happening. This is not real.”

Ok.

“And you are playing with my head.”

Allrighty.

“It really hurts my feelings.”

Aw come on now.

“Beside other things…”

Can I continue?

“Sure. You can. I can not stop you. I will probably get cancer from this.”

May I?

“Ok.”

In one of my last pieces of writing…

“AAAAAAAAAAAA!!!”

** What are you doing…?

“I am trying to wake up.”

You can’t. I am talking.

“I noticed.”

So… In one of my last pieces of writing…

” I read that already.”

… on this theme, I might mention a magical object or a full scale body-suite that I snatched from an evil alien …

“Yes, I know. I read that too.”

…who wanted to use it in order to rule the world.

“Haha.”

No, I am not kidding, I wish I am.

“Sure. But how come they can’t land other than in pieces?”

Well, I might have something to do with it…

“You can hear many things, don’t you?”

Yes…

“Yes, but how can you cover such a huge area. We are talking about the planet.”

Well, I have a different outlook to size…. Why are you slapping your thigh? Still trying?

“So what about the aliens ruling the world?”

Remember all those myths about the “dragons” and aliens swooshing around here a few millennia ago? Well, that is essentially true, besides one little technical obstruction that might cause a failure to their plan to rule this world.

“Illuminati?”

Erm… no. One of the technicality is a simple good old gravity. You see they can’t land here, because they would die so they use body snatching techniques to infiltrate and live. No joke. I use the same. But! It is fairly unlikely that you will wake up one morning in Vegas and with no money because I hijacked you, it is probably just whiskey. Don’t blame me for every mishap, I am not that resourceful. I wouldn’t be stuck here with you if I was.

“If that happened… where is the technology?”

You mean the technologies? Plural.

“So, you mentioned something about being thousands and thousand years old?”

I said I am here for that long, I never said how old I am.

“Well, whatever. So, how come you can live so long? There is no living being that can last for so long. Is your blood green or something? Not even aliens in Star Trek could live that long…”

Age is really just a number.

“So, what happened with those alien overlords…?”

Now the reason why their reign was not possible to date is because I destroyed all the blueprints how to do it a long, long time ago altogether with a prototype. Of course with a little bit of helpful senility I forgot all about it, until one of those bastards came with a plan and created an Arpitrax again.

“One more lie of yours?”

I did not lie…

“Why you didn’t mention this before?”

It didn’t look like that.

Anyways, that plan went to dust and now I am in possession of a very needy and uncomfortable piece of hard boiled stubbornness, the Arpitrax. The Arpitrax is a hyper-astral projection of a human person who is sustaining it existence, called Joe. Yeah, no special names here, also no special abilities either. Joe is a plumber. His life sucks same like yours or mine.

“Third person narrative is so nice.”

It is convenient.

“It goes on my balls.”

Whatever.

“Can I just ask you one plain question and please answer it truthfully?”

Sure.

“Why the hell are you a housewife?”

Till now I was everything else, so why not.

“Are you serious?”

Who would doubt me and even if somebody does they will think I am crazy.

“Have you tried telling anyone?”

Yes.

“To whom?”

Everyone…

“How can you be here, there and “winkling your star ship” and who knows where that is, if you don’t even have money for a bus ticket?”

I am omnipresent.

“You are playing with my mind.”

No.

“And you have a God complex.”

No.

“You look nothing like an alien. I am fairly disappointed.”

I thought you would rather talk to me than a glowing imperial orb.

“Hmm. That idea is very attractive.”

Groan… Joe is a joke of course.

“Of course.”

His name is not Joe, and he is probably not a plumber…

“Probably not.”

… but I am in a mood to toss shit today at him… I will tell you why later.

” I think I know why.”

We decided to call this person the Illuyanka ( I have an explanation for this one too, I will get to it as well, just give me a second) , because his major turn on are the mythical beings, specially the dragons.

“That is untrue.”

Is it?

“So he is some poor fellow who was altered by an evil alien to serve as his body slave but you abd… borrowed him and you are friends now?”

Yes.

“Thank you for the clarification.”

You are welcome.

“Friends…”

For some reason, Illuyanka opted to bound symbiotically to little old me, but he had no group subscription in mind when the deal was put into motion.

“No.”

Still, he tolerates this because his capabilities are limited and he expects some clarification from me.

“That would be great.”

I would rather not to give one, but it seems that I have to, so here I am all in about it.

“So, how did you found out about all of this?”

In fact we had no idea what is happening, and I had to sign a pact with the recently deceased evil alien…

“What that pact included?”

…shit head who …

“Maybe I should rephrase my question?”

… done that ungodly thing to him …

“Did he put a nice collar on you?”

… and in process to do so he genetically damaged almost 5% of human population…

“Too spicy?”

…in order to obtain that info.

“How you didn’t see him doing that? “

I wasn’t looking.

“Can you fix it??”

I don’t know, can you?

“How exactly that one died? If he is dead. “

Food poisoning.

“Very funny.”

I can’t say it out laud, it is unsettling…

“Can you use some of your alien “magic” to undo it?”

If you want to know what other “magical objects” I posses, I can admit I have a few of them, but to be honest I wish they were of more practical value and not only the luck charms and the causes of the planetary size chaos.

” I remember something about a stone. What happened to that thing? Do you still have it?”

Just to make it clear, all of this already happened. It is just another cycle, welcome to the shit party.

“So what do you in fact have?”

One of the items is a Transformation stone, that turns all the energies into their opposites. No idea for what to use it. Don’t ask me to explain myself how do I use it. I will not tell you.

“You have the Philosopher’s Stone..?

No, that one supposedly turns led to gold.

“Ok, what else?”

The another one is a Dead Man’s Ring, that one is a literal signed deal with the Death herself. Don’t ask me what that one does. But all the crazy ones would love to know. In the case of necessity for example you can jerk with it, and my fingers are not fat.

“Not useful. And what else?”

The third one is a set of cursed runes, that can turn a course of the future upside down. Like it is not scrambled enough right now… so, I guess you don’t even want to ask me about it.

“Can you just use all of them at once?”

Hmm, never thought of that… I am not keen using any of those, because when used they proved to cause the cataclysmic alterations of the reality.

“You can’t know that. Future still didn’t happen, and if it happens, you will not know any other.”

For some unknown reason, what ever I try to do to make this planet a garden of Eden, at the end turns into the garden of garbage.

“I don’t think you should take the credit.”

I screwed up everything from the dawn of humanity.

“I don’t believe that.”

I have no idea to whom I am making a favor telling you all of this, definitely not to myself. Maybe I just feel a bit better.

“I don’t blame you for all of that.”

Well, thank you.

“I think that you need some help, before you destroy yourself.”

That went nicely…

“You said that you …landed, correct?”

Yes.

“Can you take off?”

Not under these conditions, no, that would be horrible.

“Why not?”

Well, I could, in case of emergency, but I would need all of you on board within a good reason, and the good news is that the domestic animals are no problem at all, but I would need my primal drive fixed so we can land on the other side within the speed parameters …

“So, what about the Arpitrax?”

We still have no idea what the Arpitrax is capable off, but we know one thing for a fact, it takes away all physical pain and suffering from whoever wears it. There are other things too …

“What have you done?”

Naive as I am, I thought that an Arpitrax is just that, so I decided to put it on a final test and I managed to alleviate the pain from a few humans. My daughter is a hybrid but she suffers almost an exact pains like me. The Arpitrax removed the pain instantly from her with no painkillers included, just like in my case. But her nature caused it to overheat and lose the function. No matter how I tried I had no way to cool it down.

” I am sorry for your daughter. I am sure there will be a way to help her soon.”

So… that gave me an idea to merge an Arpitrax with an ordinary human male in order to stabilize, which I did and it worked as a charm. Now I picked my own human husband with his permitting of course, and he fit the bill because of the pains he was suffering and there is no method known to remove his pains.

“Can you make this as brief as possible. I am getting a headache. “

As a miracle, all his pains withdrew immediately and he has none ever since, but as a side effect his own energy merged with an Arpitrax creating an electrical neon blue stream all over it and causing it to look like a mythological creature, the Illuyanka.

“What?”

Not only to look like, but to BE the Illuyanka.

“Now, great, you just created an evil dragon that wishes to rule the world. Thank you Miz Ancient Alien, you score the damnation card, once again.”

Well, not exactly. The first Illuyanka was an evil “dragon” ( overlord) who wished to rule the world, but just because that was an actual extraterrestrial inside of a previous Arpitrax and not a human being. Just that we clear all the misunderstanding.

“So how you didn’t prevent this the first time it happened?”

The fact is that I was not really on board that time but I was trading chipmunks to some celestial moguls who thought they are hilarious. Past tense.

” I think you are on a good trace with this story, but can you please stick to the facts?”

And by the way if you didn’t notice yet, it is always some storm/sky god who destroys all those dragons and power hungry monsters around here. I am not going to say that I am the one in an every tale, but in this case I was.

” I think you are reading some ancient past mythology, and it really influences your fantasies.”

Before I even could tell what it was I destroyed previous Illuyanka with the Arpitrax, and based on some data I collected afterwards this persona was about and around for a few centuries before they became malignant, which says that both the host and Arpitrax in the good balance could be immortal.

“So, you created a mythological dragon who is … immortal? Wouldn’t this be a bit of a problem when people notice that he is not aging, for example? “

That is only a speculation, you see I never examined the first one, and there is no way to tell if this one is the same. So the only thing I can do is to wait.

” Great plan…”

Also, Illuyanka became jealous of my man using his Arpitrax when he planned only me to use it so he somehow managed to “enchant” ( reprogram) the Arpitrax to show me his own person whenever another man wears it. In translation, whenever I take a look at my husband, I see that other guy. And he is ass fuck ugly.

“Hahaha!”

Also, a new date to doomsday is 30th of May this year, I might miscalculated it, in that case you have about 1000 year of the same shit you have right now. If not, a shit about to happen is right around the corner. Have a great Monday. Ciao!!!

“WAIT. What? Wtf, what that has to do with the Arpitrax, dragons and all this hat you just pour down on me?”

Aw,… That is an introduction, so in case that humans survive that you know what follows. I told you that all that crappery in Indian mythology is true, so… you know, The New World Order is basically that. Or whatever you call it nowadays.

“Whoah! Those are big words. How about some detail? What will happen?”

Well, not much of the detail really. A space anomaly.

“It happened before?”

Yeah, sure. A few times actually.

“What do you mean a few times? When?!”

Well, a few times that I remember… More or less.

“So, what we do? Don’t you need to inform other people? The authorities? The governments? NASA!?”

And…. that would be for… what exactly?

“The World End?”

Aw, yeah. Sure. Like they would believe me…

“They would if you show yourself!”

That is not exactly by the book.

“What book? We are on the brink of extermination and you just decided to pick up a rule book tutorial today. Where have you been with that idea for the last 50 000 years?”

Looking for the book…

“Ok, great. Senile alien, no wonder you F everything, so what can we do now?”

Now, if I manage to tune up my spaceship ( the big one) and to replicate at least one of its engines before due date even with a spec of its previous power I could annihilate the space anomaly and this whole circle of life will continue.

“Hold on! First, I am pretty sure you know nothing about engines, but somehow you have a solution? Where? In your head? In here? If there is a real threat don’t I… don’t we have any call on this?”

Not really.

“Wait a second, if that is real and you are not playing with my mind just because then we can help each other!”

Yes, I heard that before.

“I never said that…”

Well, not from you…

“Yes, I know, but you have to have some faith…”

I invented that…

“Aw dear…”

I might mention that for some reason I stuck here for a very long time, so something major had to stop me from leaving.

“Intergalactic war that of course is not in the history?”

No, not that. Well, the only thing that can lift me from this rock ( yes I am super heavy) and get me to safety is my primal drive but every now and then I had to sacrifice my engines to anull that space anomaly.

” To lift you up…?”

Yes.

“That primal drive is really something special?”

Aw yes it is.

“Sure, it is magic.”

Well, if you say so.

“My opinion matters?”

Ok…

“You know that we do have some technology to lift stuff into an orbit and…”

That is not really on scale.

“We could try.”

I assure you, the attempt would be an epic fail…

“Ok, so what is your plan then…”

So, I was given an option either to cram one of my engines into the space anomaly or to flee to the close by neighborhood which is by the way uninhabitable so I would eventually go insane and kill myself. What would you do?

“Aw dear, here we go again… So, you can go in space now?”

Can and may is not the same thing…

“So, you do have a tech to deal with that? How big is that anomaly?”

Well, yes and no. Not that big.

“Wait, wait, wait! Where exactly is your spaceship?”

Antarctica.

“You saw that on Youtube?”

Just to make it obvious, this is my last ace, so after I cram this one into it, there will be no more hand outs from me, you humans will have to make your own problem-solving space-anomaly annihilator and I really hope till then you will not obliterate your civilization once again …

“You have a huge motherfucking spaceship on Antarctica!!??”

… because I am really sick and tired trying to install the traces of intelligence into the apes and similar. If there would be apes left that is… Plus it takes shit load of time and mountains of bananas and patience.

“Can you point at it on the Google Earth?”

Yes. I also said this warning sentence about the apes before… unfortunately too many times. It never worked.

“Yo, alien! Where exactly on Antarctica?”

Well… Human!! … Antarctica…


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