28 May 2019 /

Everything is black, black, black… my whole world sunk in darkness and sorrow


As you know it ( or maybe not) my life recently took the worst turn possible when my ten-year-old daughter fell ill. All her joy disappeared with her illness, and I myself sunk down to a bottom of a dark pit. I didn’t post anything much about it, the last post was horrible enough. Too horrible to write, too horrible to read. I buried myself into as much work as I possibly can endure, too much, probably I subconsciously hoped that I will have a stroke or go insane, just to avoid talking or thinking more about the terrible situation that surrounds me.

My daughter condition is worrisome, and if it is to be judged by my own DNA test, due to her illness I will outlive her by far regardless to all the attention and care I give to her. I will be a nurse to my own child till the end of her life and I have been doomed to witness that sad end. I stopped sleeping, I stopped eating, I don’t feel anything anymore, there is nothing the world can take away from me. All my dreams have died.

I was dragging my feet all somber and sad for weeks now, so my worried husband took me to check my health together with him on his annual medical examination. The results of the examination were an absolute dread, but for more reason than one expected. In the last weeks, my “condition” was really bad, but not bad for the things that people physically suffer. My pain is only internal. There is nothing on me that is sick.

Contrary to expectations, with all my self-destruction and sorrow, even the people that see me, not only the doctors, say how I appear younger. I never paid much attention to my looks, I never used anything before, I certainly don’t care how I look now. But that mirror on the wall scares me now because what it shows, is nothing short of the Hallward’s painting.

My grays disappeared and lines on my face are almost invisible. My headaches are gone now completely and the results of medical exams only confirm this unnatural alteration. In comparison to all my previous medical tests together and ones only a few months ago when I ended up in the hospital completely demolished, my condition improved multiple times with no natural explanation how that is even possible. Not the one I would like to speculate about.

As a complete opposite to me, my husband who was always a perfect picture of a steal strong health has changed visibly, and his medical tests came out dreadfully wrong. His body is decomposing, and just a thought of what might it be, and how I will lose a person who is so much better than me to an unknown illness fills me with the deepest regret imaginable.

You have no idea how terrified, sad, disappointed and alone I feel. You have no idea about the horror I am going through day after day, and night after night. To all what is worth the real question is, when evil blooms of my damnation blossom, what shall I do with them… I have done a horrible thing, and I will pay a terrible price.

Cover image attribution