01 May 2019 /

Real - I wish I am dead, but maybe I am and this is my hell


Yesterday I had a catastrophic day with my child, it was nothing serious and she is fine today, only a bit exhausted. I really had no mojo to write.

The amount of insulin my daughter receives now is holding very low, so I was in peace… for a day.

Because she is only ten years old I have to go to school during one of the breaks to breakfast, fill up her batteries with the food and insulin. This is because there is always a danger of the overdose and I can modify her dosage on spot if needed depending what is going on with her system and what food she ate or is going to eat. She is a growing child so her system can be quite unpredictable and ballistic.

When she returned to school from the hospital we tried sammiches and fruit for the breakfast like before, but it resulted in an utter catastrophe. So, instead we turned to smoothies that I can combine to contain much better formula and holds her blood sugar in a wonderful balance. This would do great, but she drinks them so fast - it is scary. I warned her yesterday not to do that and to take her time but she was too busy to be fast and it didn’t end up well.

During her breakfast her teacher told me that a class is going to have a trip in the Friday and she would like if my daughter could stay home. I told her that there is no problem because I understand that she fears my daughter condition.

I left and on the way back while I was dragging my feet down the street I saw a man who owns us money, I said hi, he said hi. Soon after I returned home my husband received a phone call from this man apologizing for the money, but he can’t repay it not even this month because he had to fix his car. I said nothing.

Shortly after that we received another call, from my daughter’s teacher telling me that my daughter fell sick and started to vomit. I told the teacher to tell my daughter to drink her sugar water ( she has a mini bottle already prepared with her ) and then we stormed back to school and found the teacher visibly stressed and my daughter shivering wrapped up in her hoodie and a jacket.

I do not know why this happened. She never ever reacted on any of her food as I am extra careful. I don’t know if she just chug it too fast ( this is the most probable reason), or she was agitated because others go to the whole-day school trip and she is staying home, or it was a combination of the both.

I didn’t know what to think or what I was thinking, I just wanted to get there extra fast and solve the issue before it becomes a problem.

They told me that the sugar level is ok, but she unloaded her breakfast and with 4 units of insulin this could end up really bad. My daughter refused to drink sugar water but I made her and we went also to the school kitchen to get some more covering 50% of the insulin shot. The rest of the insulin should been taken care by the high levels of blood sugar that appears during the morning from her own system ( the morning phenomenon).

My daughter could not walk because she started to cramp, so we had to stop about 5 times till home and our place is less than 10 minutes away. I reason that her cramps could be a result of some sort of a virus, or her stomach just cramps because there is still some food in it and it has to go out. Unless it is something else, but for that I had to bring her home.

Finally I had to carry her part of the way. My husband refused to do it even this was the only reason why I took him with me, as I am not that strong to carry our daughter if necessary. He said it is because she is “too big”. She is not and she was really in pain, she is almost 2/3 of my weight, still I had no choice so I carried her myself.

Till we get home she was a complete mess and I was completely spaced out. Do you know how a hurricane starts? You do. And do you know WHY? Because the weather doesn’t know what to do… Yes, something like that.

I hoped this was not a virus, her abdomen felt normal but at the point I came too close to her stomach she stormed to the bathroom and get rid of the remaining misfortune breakfast.

Ten minutes later she was fine, I gave her liquids, more sugar water to sip slowly and maybe 40 minutes later she was asking for the food as she was starving. I gave her a meal without any insulin to bring her up, and from then on everything was fine and in the afternoon we continue with the normal schedule.

I spend an entire day next to her, I even brought my laptop and her drawing papers there, and one huge wooden plating to serve as a supporting surface for a table-bed. I made some basic “spring cleaning” across my blogging websites, discord servers… made a list of priorities, what I will be doing and what has to be put aside. I don’t have so much time at my hands, and this whole experience with my daughter and seeing her teacher terrified really stressed me out.

There is no reason why she can’t go to that school trip, she has no obstruction to do stuff that any healthy child does, the only difference is that she has to be ABLE to monitor her sugar levels and that’s why I want to get her those sensors so she CAN. But I don’t think I will be that successful, and there are other problems.

Two weeks ago the curriculum changed and she started to need much less insulin that she did before.

This means she is getting better, yes, maybe but only physically. I didn’t wrote anything about my daughter for some time, and what was happening during the spring holidays, because there was nothing to say and nothing to share. Nothing positive. She spent an entire 10 days in bed, unwilling to get up and to do anything besides watching the Youtube, making composite posters with an app I installed for her and drawing some imaginary friends, fairies and unicorns.

And that was only during the day.

I myself started to suffer the consequences, I have the horrifying headaches, full scale body pains blown out of proportion, the other day I was so fucked up that I crammed the insulin injection in my own finger, that went wonderful. I am not the type that will cry, complain and bitch to my partner, cause any mess or chaos, I just become very quiet but my partner is not, he complains about everything, trashes stuff he can’t fix while I am telling him just to let go until tomorrow and leave me be. He is spoiled and used to walk on me, demanding favors and help for things that are random and unnecessary, but now he does it all plus some more. I just stare right through him asking what is wrong with him, why he can’t just zip it, find something productive to do and stop leaving trash all over the place. I mean literally wtf, every now and then he is backstabbing me repeatedly for whatever. This is not only now, this lasts forever, I forgive him, we sign truce, but he is taking me for granted because of it, he sets me up on fire, tosses me under the train, I suffer the consequences, he comes out clean. But with her illness he can’t do that. But he is moving away and doesn’t want to have anything with it.

It is obvious he is trying, but I can’t see it. He can’t go after me with his bad mood so he goes after our daughter. I explained to her that it is not her fault, she done nothing and that she immediately come to me and tell me if something like that happens. But a child is confused. If he is not like that, his mood is 180 degrees opposite, all shiny and peachy, but then he is convincing our daughter that she will get well, because God will help her.

She is constantly asking me to stop her illness and to find somebody, anybody to help her. And I have nowhere to hide, nothing to give besides keeping her alive. I told my husband not to do that, but instead he asked me to stop giving her insulin and maybe she gets better, and that all of this is just a lie… I had no words.

And when I go to bed - my folks fell asleep really fast and really hard - we have a few families around us with kids, I don’t mind them making noises, I find it comforting because I know what will happen on this side of a wall. And then some mother starts to yell and scream, curse and blab nonsense - Bitch!! just roll the credits already, shove that filthy gob up your snatch and be grateful your kids are laughing because mine has nightmares. She screams and cries in her sleep and I can’t do a thing but hold her and she doesn’t even remember any of it in the morning.

The other day all that rage just broke out of me, my husband had to run out of the apartment. My daughter told me afterwards that I shouted so loud that walls started to come in and it sounded as an earthquake. Yes, because he should work with me not against me, and he should get his ass out of those doors already and make people who own him his money to pay back!! I have nothing to tight up anymore and all of this is none of my fault.

Aw, by the way it was not even his money that he landed. You see an every month my husband gets quite a nice sum from the government for me being unemployed and a child addition for our daughter, so essentially whatever we two eat during the month is not taken from his salary.

Now, this year I can’t signup myself as an unemployed active job seeker, because - unless I want a social service up my ass for abandoning a sick child at home - I have to stay home. So… no more extra governmental grease. I fill up some papers, but… I don’t think there is anything to help our case, I guess that made him agitated.

He came back, we sign a truce again, of course he didn’t get any money back, he just asked me what about “my” plan. My plan is something I should have done, but do not want to do, because I just … I can’t. I asked him what he would wished for, if he could ask God to give him instantly. He said he wants a house. I was just too overwhelmed and blown away by how little he thinks about anyone but himself to react right away. I think I lost a capability to talk for a few minutes, and he didn’t even notice that my face turned to a stone.

I can’t wish him wrong he is not evil he is just selfish, just wants the money and I have it up to here about the “plan”. There is no fucking way it will happen this way but I don’t think I deserve or will deserve any better. Maybe this is the way it has to be until it becomes something else.

My daughter loves him nevertheless and I am quite ok to even brainwash him if necessary to make her happy. I don’t care. I will juice him, fry all his memories and reprogram to get my sugar coated perfect family life - because you know what - IT HAS TO BE!

I don’t really care if you think that I am being a bit of the psychopath - the only thing I ever wanted in my life is a nice loving family - not the money, houses or career. Not perfect, you can’t ever get it perfect, just nice. And it can’t be done, it is slipping away because on an every left turn this argumentative idiotic motherfucker with no blueprint whatsoever has to complicate it even more and somehow I end up being judged and analyzed, like it is somehow my mistake.

Is it so fucking unbelievable that I think in a way I think? Maybe I really can’t think any different, because it is not in my nature but maybe, just maybe I should just assassinate my Self instead looking for a reason, and become everything what others see in me.

This morning only I found out why one random person is leaving some strange messages, it’s delusional, I am nowhere that convoluted, I am not turning into a marauder like he thinks I am. I am drowning. And apparently some piece of his lousy, ugly, useless, childish, stupid and expensive as fuck hand-job was brutally sabotaged and because the glitch was so incredible and I am the unbelievable one, in his opinion it had to be me. Wow!

I see your conclusion written all over it bright as a day, but I can’t believe it.

It can’t be anyone else? Nobody else hates you? Are you sure? But, is it so unbelievable to see that a big mouth like yours and a lack of empathy to your first neighbor can get you in trouble with multiple people that would be perfectly satisfied to make some irrelevant bullshit like toasting your balls over a small fire, huh?

Did you read what I just wrote up there? All those walls of text. Can you wrap your mind around any of that?

I don’t need your stupid stinky peanuts balls on fire, I suffer from the terminal case of grandiosity and the only thing that would make my egoistic aptitude to smile if I even wish to do you harm, would be much, much bigger than that shit, trust me. Plus, I know that you would put a blame to somebody else, some poor soul who would not even see it coming, because it has to be somebody’s fault, but never yours. And you would turn everybody against that person just as you think right now would you turn them against me. Guess the joke there is nothing left to be destroyed. You are the only one who can get canned. To be honest maybe I should be a complete asshole and take my role. You expect that anyways. An every rule in a book says you are the victim and I am the bad guy. Now till this part you are already in a martyr state of mind and I am such a wonderful writer. I don’t care anymore. I wish I am dead, but maybe I am and this is my hell. I was playing with your nerves because of one annoying bitch, and you are overbearing and so stupid, she hates you, I admit, but I delivered a blasphemous joke within a day ( one day like promised!!) and that was it, I even announced it, so you can protect yourself, if you want to, if you know how, as I could see you done just fine, but it was a stupid game, she was satisfied and left it on that. I showed her the score two days ago, she was ok. She was very impressed. It is your fat wallet. That’s what itches her. My life is falling apart in bits and pieces, there is no money to pay a cure for my kid, because there is no cure, my mind is in a constant state of a chaos, these headaches can’t be cured by pills and drugs, I have no support of any kind, I can’t tell anything to anyone, my child is falling victim of the darkest depression begging me to help her and you really think that with all of this happening to me I would have time, I would want to play some stupid game and more over, you really think it is all about you and your money, that it is somehow important to me? You don’t have that money. Nobody has it. It is worthless.

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